LOS ANGELES — In a revelation that has stunned no one but delighted everyone, George Clooney has confessed that his long-running series of coffee commercials were never really about promoting espresso — they were, in fact, an elaborate excuse to make prolonged eye contact with humanity. "I just wanted a reason to gaze directly into the souls of millions," Clooney said, his voice reportedly smoother than the beverage he pretends to sell.

According to sources on set, the ads required dozens of takes — not to perfect his line delivery, but to find "just the right level of gentle, world-weary understanding" in his gaze. "He'd look into the lens, sigh softly, and say, 'This one's for them,'" said one crew member. "Everyone cried. Even the cappuccino machine."

Executives at Nespresso confirmed they had long suspected Clooney's ulterior motives but allowed it to continue because sales increased every time his eyes softened by two percent. "We tested the ads without him staring directly into the camera," said one marketing lead. "Sales dropped 400%. People don't want coffee — they want absolution."

At press time, Clooney announced a new partnership with a meditation app, explaining that this time, he just wants "a longer stare." Global forgiveness was, once again, immediate.