WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a televised address that left the nation both puzzled and strangely relieved, President Everett Langford unveiled a sweeping new policy aimed at "bringing dignity and order to the final frontier." The Lunar Sanitation Initiative—a first-of-its-kind attempt to regulate bathroom etiquette beyond Earth's atmosphere—seeks to establish clear federal guidelines for how astronauts, space tourists, and future lunar settlers should handle their "personal waste management responsibilities."

"America has always led the world in freedom, innovation, and flushing," said Langford from the Oval Office, flanked by a backdrop of the moon and a space toilet prototype. "Now, we'll lead in hygiene — even in zero gravity." The initiative mandates the creation of a Bureau of Extraterrestrial Cleanliness, which will oversee lavatory compliance and issue citations for "reckless spray patterns" and "unauthorized floating debris."

While NASA insiders privately admitted that the policy has no practical enforcement mechanism, political analysts applauded its timing. "It's brilliant," said one strategist. "For the first time in months, no one's talking about inflation or climate. Everyone's arguing over lunar urinals."

Public reaction has been mixed. Supporters call the measure "visionary," while critics see it as yet another example of misplaced priorities. "We asked for healthcare and got space manners," said one frustrated voter. "At this rate, next year's budget will include a Mars bidet."