In a bold step toward what analysts are calling "the greenwashing of responsibility," global conglomerate TerraDyne Industries announced a sweeping plan to achieve Net Zero Accountability by 2030. The company's statement outlined an ambitious initiative to "offset blame through innovative partnerships and selective amnesia."

According to the plan, TerraDyne will phase out all internal accountability by 2027, followed by a total outsourcing of guilt to smaller, more transparent companies—many of which will cease to exist by the time questions are asked. "This isn't just about optics," said CEO Martin Claybourne at a press conference powered entirely by self-congratulation. "It's about creating a sustainable model for evading scrutiny in the decades to come."

The company has already begun piloting its strategy, including a blockchain-based "Responsibility Credit System" that allows executives to trade personal accountability for press releases about it. Early metrics show a 40% reduction in corporate remorse and a 200% increase in shareholder confidence.

Environmental groups have criticized the plan as hollow, to which TerraDyne responded with a 42-page PDF titled "We Hear You (But Not That Loudly)." Insiders say the firm is already exploring next-generation sustainability goals, including "carbon-neutral excuses" and "fully recyclable apologies."