ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an urgent advisory this week about a rapidly spreading digital virus known as Groupus Chattus Maximus, which appears to transmit exclusively through group chats. Officials warn that the infection rate is highest among family WhatsApp threads, office Slack channels, and friend groups that "refuse to die."

"Unlike traditional viruses, this one doesn't affect the body — it affects your will to live," said CDC spokesperson Dr. Marina Ellis, explaining that victims often experience fatigue after scrolling through 87 unread messages debating where to get brunch. "Early symptoms include exposure to unsolicited memes, conspiracy links from uncles, and at least one person typing 'LOL' every 12 seconds."

Researchers say the virus has mutated rapidly in recent years, thriving particularly in group chats titled "Vegas 2019 🥳🥳🥳" and "Work Friends ❤️." Attempts to contain outbreaks by creating new threads or silencing notifications have proven futile, with reinfection rates nearing 100%. "Once you've been added to a group chat, there's no known cure," said Dr. Ellis. "You can leave, but someone will always add you back."

The CDC recommends immediate quarantine by throwing your phone into a nearby river or pretending you "just saw this" weeks later. A national hotline has also been established for those suffering from long-term effects, such as replying "haha" to everything out of emotional exhaustion.