BOSTON — In a surprising turn for the field of stress management, a new study from the Massachusetts Institute of Frustration Sciences has found that deep breathing exercises — long considered a cornerstone of mindfulness — are completely useless when performed in the presence of idiots. The findings challenge decades of wellness advice, suggesting that no amount of oxygen intake can counteract the effects of sustained exposure to stupidity.

"We observed subjects attempting slow, mindful breathing while coworkers said things like, 'Let's circle back on that,' or 'I saw this on TikTok,'" said lead researcher Dr. Lila Hennessey. "By the third exhale, 82% had clenched fists and elevated blood pressure. By the fifth, they were muttering expletives under their breath."

The team conducted controlled trials in environments such as open-plan offices, group projects, and family dinners, concluding that serenity was only achievable once participants physically removed themselves from the source of idiocy. "There's simply no calming technique strong enough to counter a person who says 'literally' every other word," Hennessey noted.

The study's final recommendation? "If deep breathing fails," said Dr. Hennessey, "try holding your breath until the situation — or the idiot — goes away."