In what experts are calling "a natural next step in sportswashing innovation," FIFA announced today that the 2030 World Cup will be hosted exclusively across the world's most prestigious tax havens. The tournament will take place entirely within shell companies registered in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, and a handful of yachts floating in international waters. "We wanted to remove unnecessary bureaucracy from football," said FIFA President Gianni Infantino, speaking from a private jet registered to a holding company in Panama. "By basing our stadiums offshore, we're cutting red tape — and taxable revenue."

The decision reportedly came after months of internal discussions with "strategic partners" including major accounting firms and at least one private equity group that also sponsors three national teams. FIFA sources say the move will ensure greater transparency in how funds are concealed, with one official clarifying, "Every dollar spent will be fully traceable — to somewhere else."

Players, meanwhile, have expressed confusion about the logistics. "They told us kickoff is at low tide," said England striker Harry Kane. "Apparently my match is on an oil rig outside the Bahamas. Not sure how to get there, but I'm told my wages will arrive before I do." Fans eager to attend the games will need to incorporate themselves as limited liability entities before purchasing tickets, according to FIFA's official FAQ.

The organization has also unveiled its new slogan for the event: "One Game. One World. No Jurisdiction." Early promotional materials promise a truly global celebration of football, free from the constraints of terrestrial law and government oversight — a move that industry insiders describe as "peak FIFA energy."