In a televised broadcast that aired for a full 17 hours, North Korean state media proudly declared that the national football team had won the World Cup "in record-breaking fashion," defeating every opponent "before they even dared to appear on the field." Officials celebrated the "unmatched tactical genius" of their players, who, according to reports, managed to score 49 goals while conceding none — a remarkable achievement, considering the tournament had already ended weeks earlier.

FIFA responded to the announcement with cautious diplomacy. "While North Korea did not technically participate, we commend their enthusiasm for the game," said a spokesperson, adding that the organization "encourages all nations to find joy in imaginary sportsmanship." The statement was swiftly reinterpreted by North Korean media as a "personal letter of congratulations from the global football community to the Supreme Leader."

According to the official recap, the final match saw North Korea triumph over Brazil, Germany, and France simultaneously in what the state described as a "triple-threat showdown of destiny." Archival footage aired during the victory parade appeared to show a lone player kicking a ball across an empty stadium, though state broadcasters assured viewers the opposing teams had "fled in terror after conceding moral defeat."

In celebration of the victory, Kim Jong-un has reportedly ordered the construction of a new 200,000-seat "Victory Stadium" where no matches will ever be played, to "preserve the nation's perfect record." Citizens have been encouraged to "train their hearts in unity for next year's imaginary qualifiers."