In a bold step toward the complete gamification of human achievement, the International Olympic Committee announced that the 2028 Summer Games will take place entirely within the Metaverse. Officials explained that the change is designed to "reduce reality emissions" by removing the need for physical venues, travel, or, in most cases, exercise. Athletes will instead compete as NFTs of themselves, optimized for peak polygonal performance. "It's the most sustainable Olympics in history," said an IOC spokesperson, "because it doesn't technically exist."

Each event will occur in a separate virtual world, hosted on competing blockchain ecosystems. The 100-meter dash, for example, will take place in "Solana Stadium," where connection drops are expected to play a key role in medal outcomes. Gymnastics, meanwhile, will be judged entirely by AI avatars modeled after 2016 Twitter users, ensuring "both fairness and arbitrary cruelty." The new Olympic motto — "Citius, Altius, Laggius" — reflects the Games' embrace of digital latency as a legitimate athletic challenge.

To maintain authenticity, athletes are encouraged to train by staring at screens for eight to ten hours daily while consuming protein-coded NFTs. "We want to preserve the spirit of competition," explained a committee member, "even if the only physical exertion comes from clicking 'Accept Cookies.'" Spectators will experience events through purchasable Metaverse access passes, each accompanied by a randomly assigned advertisement for a mindfulness app.

FIFA, seeing the success of the virtual transition, is reportedly considering hosting its next World Cup inside a Google Drive folder. When asked if the Olympics' new digital format might alienate traditional sports fans, the IOC responded confidently: "We've already muted them."